Who was Jesus for me back then?

When I'm lying in bed, I can look over to my bedside table and see the face of my alarm clock/radio.  The face is lit even when the radio is not playing, which is quite convenient for finding out the time without moving a muscle -- except for my eyelids.  

Hanging in a direct line between my eyes and the clock face is a cross.  It's rather small and it's suspended on a chain, which just happens to place the cross directly in line with the clock face.  Depending on the exact position of my face on the pillow, I sometimes have to think about the parts of the numbers on the clock that are obscured by the cross in order to determine the time.  (As in "Is that the left-hand part of a six or is that the left-hand part of a zero?")  

I could easily relocate the cross just a bit so that it never obscures any part of the clock face.  But I never do it.  I'm not sure why, but I feel a tug that tells me I shouldn't move the cross.  Or the clock.  

I purchased the cross and chain many years ago.  I don't remember dates -- but I remember that I showed the cross to Renee Crauder during one of the 8-day retreats that I shared with her.  So that puts the cross acquisition time back something like 25 or 30 years.  

Anyway, this morning (1/3/19), I started thinking about what that cross meant to me back when I purchased it.  It was something of a commitment that I felt to... well, I guess to Jesus.  And I started thinking about how my understanding and/or commitment and/or feelings and/or whatever about me and Jesus have changed.  

What I recall from back then was feeling that Jesus and I could be good friends.  I could talk to him about most anything, and he would respond.  Somehow.  And that Jesus protected me from harm.  All sorts of harm.  And I was grateful.  And this relationship -- as I recall it -- had little or nothing to do with The Trinity or Jesus' divinity or status as deity.   

And it then occurred to me that this relationship predated my (fixation?) with the Tao Teh Ching.  And a primary facet of that (fixation?) is that it simplifies my relationship to the Universe.  And it removes the problem of "If Christianity is The Way of All Truth -- which some folks would have us to believe -- why did God create and allow to prosper these billions of folks who have no connection to the Judeo-Christian God whatsoever?  And is it our responsibility to rescue these billions of people from their current religion and offer them our Absolute Truth?"  Yes, the Old Problem for Randy.  But I see now that this relationship I felt with Jesus may have been a casualty of this (fixation?).  

So, is that nagging question -- that Old Problem -- the cause of my movement away from the buddy/buddy relationship I felt I had with Jesus?  

I don't know.  But I feel I may be on the path to understanding.  Something.  Can I find my way back?  Can I wear the cross again?  Without feeling like a hypocrite or a brainwashed non-thinker?  

I don't know.

But dammit, am I the only person I know who has to wrestle with this question? I mean, it's all pretty obvious -- the issue, that is -- isn't it?