In the past several weeks, I've "talked through" my Journey List with two people who know me quite well. People whom I trust to listen thoroughly; not make judgmental pronouncements; not try to fix, solve, heal anything.
Jean-Marie is a clinical psychologist and a very long-term personal friend. She knows me from my early twenties and was Deb's roommate back at Swarthmore. She listened attentively and asked a few questions. I think it was during this session that I understood that none of the issues listed on my Journey involved people being mean to me. I was never physically abused by my parents or anyone else. People have said negative things to me, of course, but I was never bullied or humiliated in front of people.
I wish I could say that I totally understand this bit about there not being anything to fix or solve, but the fact of the matter is that I feel there's some kind of resolution/healing/understanding that will "make things right."
At the end of my session with Allison, she mentioned that there was something she has recognized in me from when we first met: that I had a huge heart. And that was a long time ago and I have changed immensely since back then. But Allison still feels that way about me. My heart. And that sunk in deeply. I'm bewildered as to what to do with that information.
I recognize that the tears -- which I shed at each of the above two sessions -- come from something like disappointment or disillusionment. No Santa Claus.
Geez, maybe I shouldn't be writing this. I've been wrestling with printing School Board Dropbox reports and am still grumpy about the formatting that people have used. Can't get decent printouts for my Recording Clerk responsibilities. Disappointment at a different level.
Maybe what I "need to learn" (bad phrase, can't think of another) is not so much what happened to me at each of these events but how I responded to them. Just understand? Is that too much to ask for? Not enough? Not needed? (It sounds a lot like solving, healing...)
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