In the past several weeks, I've "talked through" my Journey List with two people who know me quite well. People whom I trust to listen thoroughly; not make judgmental pronouncements; not try to fix, solve, heal anything.
Jean-Marie is a clinical psychologist and a very long-term personal friend. She knows me from my early twenties and was Deb's roommate back at Swarthmore. She listened attentively and asked a few questions. I think it was during this session that I understood that none of the issues listed on my Journey involved people being mean to me. I was never physically abused by my parents or anyone else. People have said negative things to me, of course, but I was never bullied or humiliated in front of people.
I wish I could say that I totally understand this bit about there not being anything to fix or solve, but the fact of the matter is that I feel there's some kind of resolution/healing/understanding that will "make things right."
At the end of my session with Allison, she mentioned that there was something she has recognized in me from when we first met: that I had a huge heart. And that was a long time ago and I have changed immensely since back then. But Allison still feels that way about me. My heart. And that sunk in deeply. I'm bewildered as to what to do with that information.
I recognize that the tears -- which I shed at each of the above two sessions -- come from something like disappointment or disillusionment. No Santa Claus.
Geez, maybe I shouldn't be writing this. I've been wrestling with printing School Board Dropbox reports and am still grumpy about the formatting that people have used. Can't get decent printouts for my Recording Clerk responsibilities. Disappointment at a different level.
Maybe what I "need to learn" (bad phrase, can't think of another) is not so much what happened to me at each of these events but how I responded to them. Just understand? Is that too much to ask for? Not enough? Not needed? (It sounds a lot like solving, healing...)
Monday, October 22, 2018
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Seek and ye shall...
In this posting, I'm simply reporting what happened. I'm not ready to place any particular meaning on these events. Capisce?
To begin with, two things need to be understood:
Thing 1. I received a Summons to Jury Duty some time ago, and I've been really pleased and excited about the prospect of reporting for Duty and getting to know first-hand this vital part of our society functions. And I knew that the Summons was an Important Piece of Paper that I would need. (It says so on the Paper.) So I placed it in A Very Important and Secure Place. And when I went to find the paper several days before I was to report... I couldn't remember which Very Important Place I had used to stash the Summons. I checked every VISP I could think of where I might have placed this paper, but to no avail.
Thing 2. (And this Thing is coming into sharper focus as I get deeper into the Spiritual Nurturing program of The School of the Spirit.) I wrestle with the notion of God as being an entity aware of my existence and doing things to my benefit and answering my prayers. When I was going through my cancer treatments, I would kneel beside my bed and apologize to God for not paying more attention to Him. And I must admit I thought that was a safe thing to do because if there was no one there to hear my prayer, that was okay. But if there was, maybe He could help assure that I would come safely through my treatment regimes and be healthy again. And if there wasn't, well, no harm done. Of my three Magesteria, neither the Tao Teh Ching nor my understanding of Buddhism require such cognizance on an existential basis. And in addition, my understanding of Occam's Razor suggests that such a God is an unnecessary complication to understanding the Universe.
So here's what happened:
This morning (i.e., the day before I might have been required to bring my Summons to the Justice Center and report for Duty), I was meditating much as I usually do first thing of the day. And I found myself praying "Okay, I need to be honest about this. I'm not at all sure there's anyone Out There listening to my prayer. But if there is, I really want to find that Summons today and I would appreciate help in that effort." Not very flowery or subservient I will grant you, but heartfelt. And after finishing meditation, I went downstairs to breakfast.
But before I got to the kitchen to help prepare things, I checked in a place for the Summons -- a place that I had either forgot to look in and/or felt it highly unlikely that I would have placed the Summons there. But in either case, the Summons was, in fact, there. I had been looking for a business-size envelope from the County, but because there were several pieces of paper associated with the Summons, I placed them all in a much larger envelope and placed it in a vertical file behind several other envelopes of the same size. I don't know why I forgot I had done this, but I forget more things lately than I care to think about. In any case, the information on the Summons showed that I did not have to report tomorrow (Monday) because my Pool Order Number was greater than the number of people called with lower numbers. Meaning that I need to report on Tuesday, rather than Monday.
Now Sherlock Holmes is reported to have said "Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains -- no matter how unlikely -- must be the truth." And as I mull over these events, I keep bouncing between "Yes, I did get the help I needed." and "Sherlock explained what actually happened."
As mentioned earlier, I'm simply reporting what happened, and not taking sides in the analysis.
To begin with, two things need to be understood:
Thing 1. I received a Summons to Jury Duty some time ago, and I've been really pleased and excited about the prospect of reporting for Duty and getting to know first-hand this vital part of our society functions. And I knew that the Summons was an Important Piece of Paper that I would need. (It says so on the Paper.) So I placed it in A Very Important and Secure Place. And when I went to find the paper several days before I was to report... I couldn't remember which Very Important Place I had used to stash the Summons. I checked every VISP I could think of where I might have placed this paper, but to no avail.
Thing 2. (And this Thing is coming into sharper focus as I get deeper into the Spiritual Nurturing program of The School of the Spirit.) I wrestle with the notion of God as being an entity aware of my existence and doing things to my benefit and answering my prayers. When I was going through my cancer treatments, I would kneel beside my bed and apologize to God for not paying more attention to Him. And I must admit I thought that was a safe thing to do because if there was no one there to hear my prayer, that was okay. But if there was, maybe He could help assure that I would come safely through my treatment regimes and be healthy again. And if there wasn't, well, no harm done. Of my three Magesteria, neither the Tao Teh Ching nor my understanding of Buddhism require such cognizance on an existential basis. And in addition, my understanding of Occam's Razor suggests that such a God is an unnecessary complication to understanding the Universe.
So here's what happened:
This morning (i.e., the day before I might have been required to bring my Summons to the Justice Center and report for Duty), I was meditating much as I usually do first thing of the day. And I found myself praying "Okay, I need to be honest about this. I'm not at all sure there's anyone Out There listening to my prayer. But if there is, I really want to find that Summons today and I would appreciate help in that effort." Not very flowery or subservient I will grant you, but heartfelt. And after finishing meditation, I went downstairs to breakfast.
But before I got to the kitchen to help prepare things, I checked in a place for the Summons -- a place that I had either forgot to look in and/or felt it highly unlikely that I would have placed the Summons there. But in either case, the Summons was, in fact, there. I had been looking for a business-size envelope from the County, but because there were several pieces of paper associated with the Summons, I placed them all in a much larger envelope and placed it in a vertical file behind several other envelopes of the same size. I don't know why I forgot I had done this, but I forget more things lately than I care to think about. In any case, the information on the Summons showed that I did not have to report tomorrow (Monday) because my Pool Order Number was greater than the number of people called with lower numbers. Meaning that I need to report on Tuesday, rather than Monday.
Now Sherlock Holmes is reported to have said "Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains -- no matter how unlikely -- must be the truth." And as I mull over these events, I keep bouncing between "Yes, I did get the help I needed." and "Sherlock explained what actually happened."
As mentioned earlier, I'm simply reporting what happened, and not taking sides in the analysis.
Saturday, October 13, 2018
"Book Reviews"
I've received a considerable number of responses to my SN11 posting titled "The Reading Assignments." In that post, I whine about what a chore it is to read the articles, pamphlets, books assigned to us. Some of the assignments are essentially things I know pretty well and don't feel the need for a "refresher." Some of the assignments use words or ideas that I simply don't understand (because they're stated in a vague way that has multiple meanings or because they use terms or concepts with which I'm not familiar). Some because I disagree (sometimes strongly disagree) with the ideas being presented.
So I came up with this thought -- inspired in part by a response from Evelyn to my posting: I will write a review of each assignment here, expressing myself in a plain, straightforward manner. And maybe that will help me see where the issue(s) truly is(are).
To Pray and to Love Roberta Bondi. I found this book difficult to read any more than a few pages before giving up. Again and again. My feeling is that she had some ideas about prayer and stretched these ideas out with unnecessary verbiage to create paragraphs and then chapters. She punctuates the points she's trying to make with quotes from the Desert Mothers and Desert Fathers -- some of which were quite nice and I'm glad I read them. The quotes, that is. She seemed to use these quotes as affirmation that her ideas were based on a sound theology because people felt that way thousands of years ago. Her theology -- as I understood it -- includes a strong belief in sin (or is she simply saying that other people have a strong belief in sin? I don't know...) I got the feeling that she believes that even people who have sinned are capable of redemption and no one is beyond God's love. Okay. This idea, and several others, seemed to be returning in the text again and again. Hey, I get it!! Like a number of other books and articles and pamphlets we've been assigned, the author needed a good editor to turn (in this case) a 138-page book into a 75-pager. I would like to think that she would use her training and expertise in the Early Church into a more concise description of who these people were: much heavier on the quotes and lighter on her own feelings about sin and so forth. By my account, there were over 300 footnotes -- documenting (I guess) the assertions that she was making. Need I say they were not helpful in understanding the ideas she was writing about? She is/was a Professor at Oxford. I think it shows. Maybe if I were a student of her topics, I would have appreciated the book and the footnotes more.
So I came up with this thought -- inspired in part by a response from Evelyn to my posting: I will write a review of each assignment here, expressing myself in a plain, straightforward manner. And maybe that will help me see where the issue(s) truly is(are).
To Pray and to Love Roberta Bondi. I found this book difficult to read any more than a few pages before giving up. Again and again. My feeling is that she had some ideas about prayer and stretched these ideas out with unnecessary verbiage to create paragraphs and then chapters. She punctuates the points she's trying to make with quotes from the Desert Mothers and Desert Fathers -- some of which were quite nice and I'm glad I read them. The quotes, that is. She seemed to use these quotes as affirmation that her ideas were based on a sound theology because people felt that way thousands of years ago. Her theology -- as I understood it -- includes a strong belief in sin (or is she simply saying that other people have a strong belief in sin? I don't know...) I got the feeling that she believes that even people who have sinned are capable of redemption and no one is beyond God's love. Okay. This idea, and several others, seemed to be returning in the text again and again. Hey, I get it!! Like a number of other books and articles and pamphlets we've been assigned, the author needed a good editor to turn (in this case) a 138-page book into a 75-pager. I would like to think that she would use her training and expertise in the Early Church into a more concise description of who these people were: much heavier on the quotes and lighter on her own feelings about sin and so forth. By my account, there were over 300 footnotes -- documenting (I guess) the assertions that she was making. Need I say they were not helpful in understanding the ideas she was writing about? She is/was a Professor at Oxford. I think it shows. Maybe if I were a student of her topics, I would have appreciated the book and the footnotes more.
Friday, October 5, 2018
A Rest Stop on my Journey, and...
and a chance to get my bearings a bit. This is a follow-up to the posting about how my Journey is flooded with tears.
Today was my opportunity to sit with Jean-Marie and replay my experience at the School of the Spirit. I took two copies of my list of waypoints on my Journey so that each of us had one. So we started with my giving J-M the full description of what took place and my suggestion that we simply do the replay and see what happened: will I "fall apart" again or will I keep it together? (Either one would be perfectly fine, and either one would tell me something about the previous experience.)
On the previous occasion, I got to Item 3 or so on the list before I started getting caught and by Item 5 or so, I was flat-out crying. (Or was I weeping? This is a question that may open another door to understand what is/was going on. But that's for later -- if ever.)
In any case, this time I didn't even start the list before I started getting emotional. And the rest of the exercise went more or less like the previous occasion.
With the previous experience to call on, I sensed the feeling of disappointment, disillusionment as I went step by step through the list. And J-M added comments from time to time, but basically gave me lots of space to consider and recover as I went down through the list. Oh, and here's the list for future reference:
1. Tell Me About God
New understandings from our conversation include the similarity of Item 5 on the list and Item 12. In both cases, people around me seemed to be mouthing words that didn't have any serious meaning to them. (No, few people if anyone in the Church would "be true to Thee 'til Death. And few people if anyone at Full Spectrum knew anything about Shiva. In both cases, folks seemed to me to be doing what was expected of them. So this is not hypocrisy so much as shallowness.) I was expecting a deeper understanding and/of commitment to what people were saying/singing, and that just wasn't going to happen. (J-M suggested that one of the things that sets Quakers apart from other folks is that they pay more attention to the words they are saying/singing. And, in jest, one of the reasons that Quakers don't sing so much is that each person in the group needs to parse carefully the words in the hymns they're expected to sing. I told her the joke about The Discussion Group about Heaven.)
J-M had nothing to say or add or explain concerning the Exclusivity of Christianity. I have to believe she has opinions on the subject, but understood that now was not the time to share them.
It had not occurred to me until today how many of the elements of the list dealt with disillusionment and/or disappointment. I'm not going to try and box up the reasons why that's true. It's simply an observation.
And it had not occurred to me how much finding the Tao Teh Ching represented a reprieve from this list of disappointments and disillusionments.
I'm now smart enough to know that I have a tendency to look at today's experience and try to put a name on it and a rational description. Put it in a box and give it a label. And J-M and I agreed that it was wonderful that there's so much of The School of the Spirit time and experience ahead of me. And that it is time to allow all of what's happened to me in this part of the journey to open itself up to me. I stand in the doorway that was, until recently, pretty completely closed. This will change. I can't and shouldn't try to rush it.
I can have faith that the door will continue to open and I will see more and more. And walking through the doorway becomes more and more of an option as this occurs. There is time. There is a Way. There may or may not be Answers to Questions and Explanations to Events, but they must be allowed to come at their own pace. Trying to rush them would be an unfortunate choice.
J-M and I chatted about how Things just Seem to Happen in an ordered and supportive way. If you want to call them miracles or gifts from a caring God, that's fine. If you want to see them as the natural results of Following the Tao, that's okay too. It's not a choice you have to make. I mean, a choice I have to make.
Today was my opportunity to sit with Jean-Marie and replay my experience at the School of the Spirit. I took two copies of my list of waypoints on my Journey so that each of us had one. So we started with my giving J-M the full description of what took place and my suggestion that we simply do the replay and see what happened: will I "fall apart" again or will I keep it together? (Either one would be perfectly fine, and either one would tell me something about the previous experience.)
On the previous occasion, I got to Item 3 or so on the list before I started getting caught and by Item 5 or so, I was flat-out crying. (Or was I weeping? This is a question that may open another door to understand what is/was going on. But that's for later -- if ever.)
In any case, this time I didn't even start the list before I started getting emotional. And the rest of the exercise went more or less like the previous occasion.
With the previous experience to call on, I sensed the feeling of disappointment, disillusionment as I went step by step through the list. And J-M added comments from time to time, but basically gave me lots of space to consider and recover as I went down through the list. Oh, and here's the list for future reference:
1. Tell Me About God
2.
Singing in the
choir – Church as an obligation and not worship
3.
“What about
the Muslims and the Navajos?”
4.
The Man in the
Brown Suit and Nail Clipping
5.
“Faith of our
Fathers” Really? I mean, Really?
6.
Confirmation
as a completely meaningless exercise
7.
College was
nothing
8.
The Tao The Ching tape in the car
9.
Conscientious
Objection and the AFSC
10.
N. Church
Street on a Sunday morning
11.
Healing in Meadville
12.
Just who is
Shiva, anyway?
13.
The exclusivity
of Christianity. (Now I have a word for
my feelings.)
J-M seemed particularly taken with the event of The Man in the Brown Suit. I think what attracted her to it was that I had more consciously placed my faith in him, and so his behavior was more damaging(?) than other element of the list. Other events on the list were more assumed, background types of things and not so much events of my own creation.
New understandings from our conversation include the similarity of Item 5 on the list and Item 12. In both cases, people around me seemed to be mouthing words that didn't have any serious meaning to them. (No, few people if anyone in the Church would "be true to Thee 'til Death. And few people if anyone at Full Spectrum knew anything about Shiva. In both cases, folks seemed to me to be doing what was expected of them. So this is not hypocrisy so much as shallowness.) I was expecting a deeper understanding and/of commitment to what people were saying/singing, and that just wasn't going to happen. (J-M suggested that one of the things that sets Quakers apart from other folks is that they pay more attention to the words they are saying/singing. And, in jest, one of the reasons that Quakers don't sing so much is that each person in the group needs to parse carefully the words in the hymns they're expected to sing. I told her the joke about The Discussion Group about Heaven.)
J-M had nothing to say or add or explain concerning the Exclusivity of Christianity. I have to believe she has opinions on the subject, but understood that now was not the time to share them.
It had not occurred to me until today how many of the elements of the list dealt with disillusionment and/or disappointment. I'm not going to try and box up the reasons why that's true. It's simply an observation.
And it had not occurred to me how much finding the Tao Teh Ching represented a reprieve from this list of disappointments and disillusionments.
I'm now smart enough to know that I have a tendency to look at today's experience and try to put a name on it and a rational description. Put it in a box and give it a label. And J-M and I agreed that it was wonderful that there's so much of The School of the Spirit time and experience ahead of me. And that it is time to allow all of what's happened to me in this part of the journey to open itself up to me. I stand in the doorway that was, until recently, pretty completely closed. This will change. I can't and shouldn't try to rush it.
I can have faith that the door will continue to open and I will see more and more. And walking through the doorway becomes more and more of an option as this occurs. There is time. There is a Way. There may or may not be Answers to Questions and Explanations to Events, but they must be allowed to come at their own pace. Trying to rush them would be an unfortunate choice.
J-M and I chatted about how Things just Seem to Happen in an ordered and supportive way. If you want to call them miracles or gifts from a caring God, that's fine. If you want to see them as the natural results of Following the Tao, that's okay too. It's not a choice you have to make. I mean, a choice I have to make.
Monday, October 1, 2018
It's not easy being gray... or brown...
I'm going to be held responsible for coming up with a Major Project during my time at The School of the Spirit -- SN11. And I've thought about coming up with one or two or a whole bunch of essays accompanied by photographs. My photographs, of course...
And one of the first essays I've thought about would be about getting older. And using flowers as a counterpoint and example of what I was feeling:
Flowers in full bloom are, of course, perfectly lovely; but the blossoms alone are only a tool to attract pollinators. Germinators. Mainly insects, of course. The Real Action takes place as the blossoms wither and fall away -- exposing the seeds that had been forming behind or inside the blossom. And the seeds are the assurance that the plant or its progeny will survive for another winter and produce yet another group of blossoms to continue the species for another year.
But of equal importance, the seeds are the nourishment of the birds and mammals that depend on them. Animals that would perish without the seeds. And the birds do their part by carrying seeds some distance from the plant that created them and allowing those seeds to drop to the ground and spread the plant species. To create new flowers and yet more seeds to provide more nourishment and spread the plant species even farther.
Blossoms are nice. Seeds are vital.
And the metaphor, then, is that people "blossom" into adulthood, but are growing and developing in ways that were not necessarily obvious. As blossoms do. But when the joys and beauty of youth fall away from us, we're exposed as the essential nature of who and what we are. And we can nourish those around us and spread our wisdom -- our seeds of understanding -- to those who listen. We can write what we know and our wisdom can extend well beyond our time on this planet.
I've been taking a considerable number of photographs of flowers as they fall apart -- exposing the seeds inside. And I've been impressed with the variety of appearances of the seeds...
And so, here's a start on that essay!
And one of the first essays I've thought about would be about getting older. And using flowers as a counterpoint and example of what I was feeling:
Flowers in full bloom are, of course, perfectly lovely; but the blossoms alone are only a tool to attract pollinators. Germinators. Mainly insects, of course. The Real Action takes place as the blossoms wither and fall away -- exposing the seeds that had been forming behind or inside the blossom. And the seeds are the assurance that the plant or its progeny will survive for another winter and produce yet another group of blossoms to continue the species for another year.
But of equal importance, the seeds are the nourishment of the birds and mammals that depend on them. Animals that would perish without the seeds. And the birds do their part by carrying seeds some distance from the plant that created them and allowing those seeds to drop to the ground and spread the plant species. To create new flowers and yet more seeds to provide more nourishment and spread the plant species even farther.
Blossoms are nice. Seeds are vital.
And the metaphor, then, is that people "blossom" into adulthood, but are growing and developing in ways that were not necessarily obvious. As blossoms do. But when the joys and beauty of youth fall away from us, we're exposed as the essential nature of who and what we are. And we can nourish those around us and spread our wisdom -- our seeds of understanding -- to those who listen. We can write what we know and our wisdom can extend well beyond our time on this planet.
I've been taking a considerable number of photographs of flowers as they fall apart -- exposing the seeds inside. And I've been impressed with the variety of appearances of the seeds...
And so, here's a start on that essay!
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