Paucity of Hardware

First a description of threaded metal fasteners.  There are well over a hundred different sizes and compositions of these things.  A good hardware store will have 3/4-inch panhead cad-plated metal screws with a thread measurement of 1/4 - 20.  And another bin of the same size in stainless steel and another bin of round headed screws of the same measurement of both materials.  Then another with hex heads. THEN another complete set set of bins of 1-inch metal screws, and another set of 2-inch screws and on and on.  And a really fine hardware store will have the almost identical set of fasteners with a thread size of 1.4 - 24.

Then there's a completely different set of bins for metric sizes.  And another set of bins for wood screws of various sizes, head shape, Phillips head or slotted head, etc. etc. etc.

Such a complete inventory normally takes up at least one complete aisle on both sides.  And for most projects, there is only one bin out of all of these that will have what you need...

In my dream, I am at one of my favorite hardware stores.  I've always liked it in large part because they always seem to have what I needed.  But when I started looking for a particular type screw for a project I was working on, I find that the store has reorganized their shelving -- and that instead of the double aisle of threaded fasteners I was expecting, there was only a single set of bins for sale -- taking up only a couple of feet of aisle space.  So the chances that I would find the screw I was looking for were practically zero.  

I understood that the rearranging had been done to increase profits.  If they could get away with only this single set of bins rather than the 8 or 10 sets of bins they used to have, it would open up a lot of floor space so they could display and sell more hand tools, work gloves, flower pots, grass seed and fertilizer and weed killer, etc. etc.  

I looked feverishly through a couple of the bins and confirmed that they didn't have anything that would work for my project.  I looked around in a few other spots in the store to see if they had anything else that I might want to purchase, but didn't find anything.  

So I understood their motive for making the change but I felt cheated that the store was now practically useless.  And that deprived me of the satisfaction of finding the hardware I needed.

Bad Dream 200 -- Flunking the Final Final

In my dream, I am taking a test in a room with a number of other students.  This is not just a Final Exam, it is the last Exam we will take before graduation.  And the stakes, for me at least, couldn't be higher.  If I pass the exam, I will graduate.  If I fail the exam, I won't.

The exam consists of three parts, and each of them deals with words.  One part, for example, has a list of 15 or so words.  The questions about the words read something like "How many words on the list describe XYZ?" -- when it's obvious to me that none of the words describe XYZ (whatever XYZ was).  Another question was something like "Which words in the list can have their letters rearranged to spell 'ABC'?" when, once again, none of the words in the list can be adjusted to spell that word.

The other two sections of the test are equally obscure.  

So it's not that I can't finish the test because I can't even start it.  

I look around me and see that my fellow students are all busy filling in answers, and my heart sinks.  

As students finish with their test paper, they hand it in to the teacher and smile.  They clearly think they did very well on the test.  They also shake hands with other students who have also completed their test and promise each other they will stay in touch after the graduation ceremony.  

After a while, the only people left in the room are the teacher and me.  He looks at his watch from time to time and appears restless.  It's pretty obvious he has some other engagement -- and that I'm keeping him from attending to that other engagement.  Although he seems to try to avoid doing it, he scowls at me from time to time.  

I think the non-verbal message he's giving me is "Hey, if you haven't finished this test by now, it's obvious that you will never finish the test and you might as well give up and let me get out of here."  As I understand this message I also recall that I never did well in the class -- and didn't care much that I wasn't learning whatever the subject was.  In short, I was not a good student for him and we both know it.  

As time goes on, he gets more and more annoyed -- and finally asks me "Did you know that I have another job besides being a teacher here?"  I shake my head, but I understand that the reason he's so anxious to leave is somehow connected to this other job.  

After while, several State Troopers enter the room.  Clearly they know the teacher and he knows them.  I assume from this that his other job is being a law enforcement officer.  The Troopers are tall and well built and look quite tough -- clearly guys you wouldn't want to mess with.  One of the officers takes his pistol out of its holster and examines it. I don't know whether to take this as a threat or an encouragement to finish up... or just a cop who's bored and hasn't anything else to do.  .But I certainly wasn't going to ask him about his motivation to examine his weapon.  

I now realize that the logic offered by my teacher was perfectly sound.  I wasn't going to finish the test and I wasn't going to pass the test and I wasn't going to graduate either.  But accepting those things gives me a great sense of relief.  I don't have to pretend or be anxious or frightened any more.  I'd been pushing a large rock up a hill and would never reach the top of the hill.  But I was now allowed to step to the side and watch the rock roll all the way back down the hill.

Bad Dream 199 -- Not Buying a Motorcycle

In my dream, I am in a large department store looking to purchase a motorcycle.  There is nothing in the store that differentiates it from dozens of other department stores: clothing, bedding, cosmetics, etc. -- and somehow it doesn't seem unusual to me to be looking for a motorcycle here.  

With me are two young boys.  They are not my children, but I'm supposed to look after them during this excursion.  They are full of energy and curiosity -- a bad combination for keeping kids nearby in a department store!  Throughout the dream, they are wandering off and coming back -- and I give them a stern warning about not doing that again.  They always look contrite, but never stop wandering away.  

I have trouble locating the "Motorcycles for Sale" department, and have to search diligently to find a store employee who may know where to go.  It turns out I have to go to the top floor, but most of the elevators can't take me there.

After some considerable looking around and asking questions, I find myself next to a very fancy elevator that is only supposed to be used by the store executive staff.  But nobody seems to mind if I get on the elevator anyway.  I do that, after collecting the two boys from their latest gallivanting.  

(Somewhere in the middle of this looking around, I find myself completely outside the store near the loading docks.  I had taken an elevator that took me -- unknowingly -- to the basement which was used for supply storage.  I need to walk around the outside of the store to find a way back inside, but I do that successfully.)  

Having arrived at the top floor of the store with the two youngsters in tow, I look around and see a pair of motorcycles on display at a distance from where we're standing.  There are a considerable number of customers moving about, and it takes time to wend my way over to the bikes.  To my dismay, there are only the two bikes I'd seen on the display floor -- and neither one of them looks much like a bike I would want to purchase.  I get the attention of one of the sales clerks, but she claims to have no knowledge of the bikes: that is, if other colors are available, if options are possible, pricing, performance, etc.  She directs me to another clerk who clearly has no time for me at all.  

As I am ready to give up and head home, one of the other clerks comes over and says something like "Thank you so much for coming to our store!  I hope we've answered all your questions about our motorcycle offerings."  I unload on her telling her that the store's employees have proven to be markedly unhelpful and sometimes just plain rude, and certainly un-knowledgeable about motorcycles.  She seems to take my loudly voiced criticism to heart and, although getting this off my chest felt good, I feel sorry for her, as most if not all of my complaints had nothing to do with her.  

I look around for my two young charges and finally see them in the distance.  Then I hear gunshot.  And it's not at all clear whether one of my kids has been shot.  If one of them has, in fact, been injured or killed, I am clearly in a very deep well of trouble.

 

Bad Dream 198 -- Richard's Job and Mine

In my dream, I am in a room with my older brother Richard (who passed away over a decade ago) and the President of the company that Richard worked for.  The company is German and the President speaks English well, but with a considerable German accent.  

I think Richard is quite pleased with this collection of people, as he is looking to "show off" to me how important the company thinks he is.  So he is expecting the President to say positive -- and maybe even flattering -- things about his work and his position. 

I listen to the banter between Richard and the President, and it occurs to me that the President is talking about Richard's past accomplishments... but not anything about Richard's future assignments or position.  And it concern me more and more as the conversation goes on.     

The scene changes and Richard, the President, and I are walking outside -- clearly with some destination in mind, but I think I might know what the destination is but I'm not sure.  

As we walk, the President controls most of the conversation -- which continues to concern Richard in the past but not Richard in the future.  The President summarizes the essence of Richard's career at the company -- how important he has been but nothing about the future.  It finally begins to dawn on Richard what is happening and he confronts the President with a direct question.  I don't recall the exact words of the question, but the gist of it is that Richard wants to know if he has any future with the company.  He has clearly been taken by surprise -- expecting to be lauded for his successes, but now seeing to be on the verge of being let go by the company.   

The President is quietly looking alternatively at Richard and away into open space.  Clearly, the message the President is looking to give to Richard is something along the lines of "Well, you finally figured it out, did you?"  

Richard is now panicked.  He wants to do something to convince the President that he is making a mistake -- that he (Richard) can still be a valuable employee.  

Richard runs ahead of us to an SUV, which was the vehicle we were walking towards.  This SUV was going to take us some place -- and Richard seems to have known what that destination was.  He runs over the far side (that is, the driver's side) of the SUV and wants to open the driver's side door.  But there is a thicket of thorns and underbrush between him and the door and there really is no way to get into the SUV.

Frustrated, Richard goes running off and out of my dream.  He has lost his position in the company that meant so much to him.  And he can no longer "boast" about how important he is to his younger brother (that is, me).  And now he can't even open the SUV door.

I am not terribly worried about finding Richard and making sure he's physically okay.  But I fear that he may never be the same, given the humiliation that he has undergone in this experience. 

The President moves to standing by me and is now telling me about all the good things that the company represents and how I would fit right into what the company is doing now and what it will do in the future.  Part of me is not buying any of what the President is selling, but part of me recognizes the financial opportunities and status associated with working for the company.  

I am wondering if there's a way to use the company the way that the company has used my brother.  Can I get away with that?  Is it worth the effort to try?  How can I face my brother knowing that the company has replace him with me?  

I think I have a hand to play, but I really don't know how to play it.  And I'm concerned that I might wind up just being used.  Like my brother.  

Bad Dream 197 -- The Voices in My Head

This isn't exactly a dream, but it borders on being such and I certainly want to document what is happening.  What I'm describing here has taken place 5 or 6 times in the last month or so -- or maybe more often than that.  But I've never had this happen before:

Almost immediately after I wake up, as I start to "get my bearings" on where I am, etc. I hear a voice.  It's fairly weak, as if it's on the other side of a wall from me.  The sounds of the voice are very articulate, but I can't understand the words.  Maybe it's unintelligible because it's on the other side of a wall, and maybe it's in a foreign language with which I'm not familiar, and maybe it's simply gobbledigook.  I certainly can't tell.  

Normally, the voice is a rich baritone and quite easy to listen to.  Like a news anchor on TV.  But on one or more occasions it's been a woman's voice -- equally pleasant to listen to.  

I hear the voice for something like 10 seconds or less and then it stops.  I think sometimes it tapers off towards the end of the "speech."  

There's nothing threatening about the voice -- and it's pleasant enough that I'd really like to hear the message... if there were one. 

It occurred to me this morning that I have started to wear a face mask when I sleep -- one that just covers my eyes, but does so completely and comfortably.  And I have been using ear plugs for sleep for many years.  So, is this voice connected to sensory deprivation?

I think the voice shows up on mornings when I have a late dream so that the voice might be a continuation of the dream -- while being isolated from the dream in terms of content.  Given that I have kept myself more "open" recently in terms of remembering my dreams, this may be a reason that the dreamworld leaks into my wakeworld via this path.

Ah, I've just Googled "Voices in My Head" which has this as a suggested site: 

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hearing-voices/about-hearing-voices/

So maybe it's all okay.  But I have to feel there's a reason that it's just started after inhabiting the planet for over 70 years...

Bad Dream 196 -- Photographing Kevin

For some reason that isn't made clear to me, I have been asked to photograph Kevin Wheeler -- a friend of mine whom I met at Quaker Meeting many years ago.

I'm pretty serious about my photography, and Kevin would seem to be an interesting subject for portraiture.  He has a very distinctive face and a tall and slender anatomy to go along with his fine features.  And we are in an old barn or factory with lots of interesting spaces and lighting/shading opportunities.  

We are just setting up for a couple of shots when someone calls for Kevin to go somewhere else in the building.  Well, that sort of thing happens, and I take the opportunity to double-check the settings on my camera.  

Kevin returns and assumes a lovely pose with interesting lighting.  I'm not sure that I have captured the image I want when someone else calls to Kevin to go yet somewhere else nearby.  

This happens a few more times, and then Kevin, who's always had an impish sense of humor, starts darting off without being called -- just to tease me.  What had been a minor interruption in the photo shoot has become a major inconvenience, and I am clearly more upset about this than Kevin is.  

Okay, I've had enough of this, abandon the project, and walk away.  The weather outside the building has changed, and it is now raining lightly out of a sunshine-bright sky.  The temperature is warm and there are kids running back and forth through the rain laughing loudly -- having a wonderful time.  So now I have new subjects for my photography!

I'm concerned about getting my camera wet and am trying to figure out how to stay protected from the raindrops while taking advantage of the wonderful images of children laughing in the rain.  I think I have this figured out, but the camera refuses to shoot -- probably because the autofocus is confused by the raindrops.  

I feel a bit frustrated by the experience with Kevin and the inability to capture images of the children, but I am taking pleasure of watching the children at play.

Bad Dream 195 -- Shaving off My Goatee

In my dream, I am shaving -- which for me is a two-step process.  One to cut the length of the hair in my goatee so that it is shorter and of even length overall and the other to shave off all the protruding hair around the goatee and up to my sideburns.  This second part is a bit tricky as I try to clearly define the edges of the goatee without cutting the hair of the goatee itself.

As the dream starts, I am engaged in this defining part of the process and have decided that I don't have to look at myself in the mirror to do that.  And because I'm not looking at my reflection, I cut off a considerable amount of goatee hair.  It only takes a half second of lost concentration for this to happen.  And it happened.  

Looking in the mirror, it's obvious to me that I can't compensate the razor's intrusion into my goatee by shaving off the hair on the opposite side.  It would look truly weird to do so.

So I have no real choice but to shave off the entire goatee -- a solution which doesn't bother me that much, as I am now curious as to what my face looks like without any facial hair.  (Now that I'm writing this, I realize I might have saved the mustache, but that didn't occur to me in the dream.  And I think that if I had thought of it, I would have shaved the mustache off anyway.)

There's a "time lapse" in the dream, whereby the process of removing what was left of the goatee is removed.  One moment I have my goatee and the next moment it's gone.

Looking at my now-naked face, I am surprised as to how much younger I look without the goatee.  In part, that's because the wrinkles in my face are either gone completely or are a lot less prominent.  I now have the face of someone who is 40 years old or younger.  

I'm quite pleased.

_____________________________________

It is apparent to me that this dream reflects my feelings on discovering some old love letters written to me by a woman roughly 55 years ago.  I came across the letters completely by accident -- and had no idea I had kept them.  

But the effect of the letters has been profound on my feelings about this girl -- feelings that I had obviously simply set aside or forgotten or suppressed or whatever.  That the feelings were a complete surprise,  And I cherish these renewed feelings.

She and I got along (my recollection) beautifully for months or maybe a year or two.  I don't recall.  And I don't recall the details of our break-up -- just that I was angry at something she did.  And from where I am and who I am now, I'm afraid that the break-up was completely my fault and that I might have hurt her in the process.  

I am now committed to try and re-establish some relationship with her -- if I can find her.  I only recall that she was a student at Queens College in Kingston, Ontario at the time.  

I realize the result of that search might seriously damage my relationship with Deb, but I tell myself this desire to try and find her would likely just fester.  And the odds of locating her are remote in any case.

But I take the meaning of my dream to be that the search offers a healthy rejuvenation.  

It says here...